When I thought about grief before, I kind of associated it with losing someone, heartbreak or when someone or something dies. Now I know that grief is so must more, I know about life grief. And I have learn to deal with it.
Grief is a strange feeling, it's a very personal feeling, because it's a kind of love, a kind of love-hate feeling. I love feeling it when I think back to my dad and honor his memory, I hate the feeling when I can't control it, when it controls me and puts me outside my comfort zone. So yeah, it's a strange feeling.
I lost my dad a few years ago,
and I felt grief over losing him, I've had heartbreak, lost a dog, so I know what grief is..., or do I really know..., when I use to thing about grief, I kind of associated it with losing someone, when someone or something dies. And I think I'm not alone in that perception.
After my accident, I've learned that grief is so much more in about losing someone, it's also about losing things in life, when my life suddenly turns out to be far from what I expect, I suddenly start feeling grief over things I took for granted before, my job, my energy, my health, my identity plus much more.
At first I just felt pain, anger and had sad feelings, and I didn't really see or understand them as grief. But when I was at Sunnass to start my rehabilitation, they talked about grief, the grief of life, slowly but surely I started to realize that the feelings I was carrying were grief, not grief over losing someone, but grief for life – grief over losing things I have taken for granted. Life grief!
Over the past year, I have spoken to a psychologist, been part of a forum with others with brain injuries, learned more about grief, the different types of grief we face after brain injuries. In this story, I want to share what I have learned, my own experiences, and how I have learned to deal with my grief, carry it with me, move on with my life without letting the grief stop me from living my life.
Life grief is the sadness that occurs when life takes an
unexpected turn and is not as you had imagined. The emotional effects of a serious illness, injury or accident.
A serious health problem can disrupt every aspect of your life, whether it's a chronic or life-threatening illness, such as cancer, or a major health event such as a stroke, heart attack, an accident, or a debilitating injury.
My experience over the past year with the consequences of my accident and the health challenges it has caused, and also being in contact with others, who are in a similar situation, is that grief is a topic we all experience in different ways.
Many serious health problems arise unexpectedly and disrupt your life out of the blue. You may feel overwhelmed by waves of difficult emotions—from fear, anger, and worry to deep sadness, despair, and grief—or simply numb, frozen in shock, or feeling like you’ll never be able to cope. The emotional upheaval can make it difficult to function or think clearly, and even lead to mood disorders like anxiety and depression.
But what is life grief? Life grief is a natural reaction to loss. It is the emotional distress you feel when something you love, something that was important in your life, is taken from you. Often the pain, anger, and frustration of the loss can feel overwhelming. You may experience all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions, from shock or anger to disbelief, guilt, and deep sadness. The pain of grief can also disrupt your physical health, making it difficult to sleep, eat, or even think straight.
All these feelings are normal reactions to loss—and the more significant the loss, the more intense your grief will be.
I have learned now, through my journey that grief is a normal emotion that is normal to experience after a trauma, and I have learned that I don’t have to hide it, but that it’s okay to be open about it, and that it’s perfectly okay to cry. As a good friend told me, he would have been worried about me if I had told him that I didn’t cry from time to time. Crying just shows that you are human, and there is nothing wrong with being human. But— I'm a man!, sometimes it feels like it’s not normal, I’m supposed to be the strong one..., I'm the hard one, I don't show feelings... Buzzzz wrong assumption😁, all humans have emotions, crying is not a sign of weakness, but strength.
The type of grief I am talking about here is the type of grief I and others in the same situation experience. Life grief after a trauma. Grief related to loss after a serious trauma, accident and/or illness, what I have learned and how I have dealt with my grief. My life griefs.
So even subtle losses in life can trigger feelings of grief.
Whatever your loss, it's personal to you, so don't be ashamed of how you feel or think that it's somehow only appropriate to grieve certain things. If there's something or a situation that was meaningful to you, it's normal to grieve the loss you're experiencing. Whatever the cause of your grief, there are healthy ways to cope with the pain that can, over time, ease your sadness and help you accept your loss, find new meaning, and ultimately move on with your life.
Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves of varying sizes, and it will never be calm sea again. It feels like a physical pain that hurts your whole body, no painkillers can cure it. It's there.
How you react emotionally and the degree of mental stress you experience depends on many different factors, which could be your age, your personality, what kind of health problem you have, what support you have around you and their understanding of what you are going through.
Whatever your situation, you should know that experiencing a wide range of difficult emotions is a normal response to a potentially life-changing situation. It doesn’t mean that you’re weak, going crazy, or won’t be able to deal with it - meet the emotional challenges that lie ahead.
Remember that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to respond. We are all different, so don’t tell yourself what to think, feel, or do when you suddenly have to deal with it. Give yourself time to process the challenges you are facing, and be kind to yourself as you adjust to your new life situation.
Allow yourself to feel. It may seem better in the moment to avoid experiencing your feelings, but they exist whether you notice them or not. Trying to ignore your feelings will only increase your stress and may even delay your recovery. But if you allow yourself to feel what you feel, you will find that even intense, disturbing emotions will pass, the initial discomfort you felt when you realized your life had taken an unexpected turn, and some aspects of your life will never go back to the way they were.
Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or prevent it from coming to the surface will only make it worse in the long run. In order to move forward, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
Myth: It’s important to “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, scared, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you. Remember, crying just shows that you’re human.
Myth: If you don’t cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it's not the only one. Those who don't cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have different ways of expressing it. And after a brain injury, some people lose the ability to express emotions, such as crying.
Myth: Grieving should last about a year.
Fact: There is no specific time frame for grief. When it starts and how long it lasts depends on each individual.
Myth: Moving on with your life means forgetting about your loss.
Fact: Moving on means you’ve in a way hvae accepted or and understand your loss—but that’s not the same as forgetting. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of what you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are.
Myth: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or prevent it from coming to the surface will only make it worse in the long run. In order to move forward, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
Grieving is a highly individual experience; there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith, and how significant the loss was to you.
Inevitably, the grieving process takes time. 
Healing happens gradually; it can’t be forced or hurried—and there is no “normal” timetable for grieving. Some people start to feel better in weeks or months. For others, the grieving process is measured in years. Whatever your grief experience, it’s important to be patient with yourself and allow the process to naturally unfold.
While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
And yes, I know that part can be quite difficult. Finding someone to share your pain, sorrow, and thoughts with can sometimes be a challenge. I found back to an old friend, or rather he found me, because I was lost at that time. I still remember what he said to that day, some time after what happened to me.
I quote:
He ask me suddenly? “Have you been crying?” I was silent for a moment, and I answered a bit shy and silent. “yes… a lot.” A little afraid of how he would react. He responded by saying, “Nice to hear, I’m glad you said that, because if you hadn’t been crying, I would have been worried.” Crying only show that you are human.
That answer gave me the comfort to open up and talk to him. I knew then that he understood me, and not least, that I trusted him.
When faced with such life-changing situations, the need to talk about it is immense. But it can be difficult to find someone who is ready and willing to listen to you. My advice is that if you don't feel like you have anyone close to you in your life to talk to, you should seek support from a psychologist, health professional, priest or other professionals. We all need someone to talk to during difficult times.
Choose the support that's right for you. After a serious health event, there are always very personal decisions about who you choose to confide in, lean on, and how much information you choose to share about your situation.
But trying to cope alone will only deny those who care about you the opportunity to offer support. But also accept that not everyone is meant to be there, not everyone has the ability to understand, and some take a long time to accept and understand that you are suddenly the one who needs help. But no one can read your mind. You have to tell, you have to be the one to talk, whether they want to listen or not.
It is important to acknowledge your feelings and the need to talk about them. Suppressing them and keeping them down will only hurt you more, and sooner or later they will surface. In the worst case, it will hit you like a tsunami and throw you overboard, when you are least prepared for it.
It’s easy to be afraid of your feelings when you’re facing a life-changing health condition. Like me, you may think that bottling up your feelings, putting on a brave face, or forcing yourself to be positive and cheerful will bring the best outcome in your situation. I’ve learned the hard way that it doesn’t. I’ve learned that being honest about the negative feelings I was experiencing didn’t delay my recovery in any way. It probably had the opposite effect. And being open also allowed others in my life to help me cope, understand, and accept my grief, which made it easier to move forward.
In fact, bottling up your emotions may only increase your stress levels, elevate the amount of pain you feel, and make you more susceptible to anxiety and depression. It’s often the act of refusing to face your fears that leads to the hopelessness, sadness, and pain that can come with battling the life-changnings things you experince after you incident.
Facing your emotions on the other hand, even the most painful and fearful ones, can help you to ease your stress and suffering, make it easier to handle tha changes, acepting and find greater peace and physical fortitude as you work towards recovery.
It's something I often talk about with my employees in my working career. I used to tell them that trying to hide your mistakes doesn't make them go away, sooner or later they will surface, and that they often hit you much harder than if you had admitted them in the first place. Feelings like mistakes aren't the problem, it's being open about them that often creates challenges.
When you experience a strong emotion, you likely also feel it somewhere in your body. Perhaps your stomach tightens up every time you feel anxious or afraid, for example, or your shoulder muscles get tense when you feel a sense of grief or loss. By concentrating on these physical sensations, you can start to explore your emotions rather than trying to ignore or repress them.
Many of us are taught in childhood to bottle up our feelings. By the time we reach adulthood, we often find it difficult to even recognize what we’re really feeling. But it’s never too late to learn to reconnect with your emotions. You can start by listening to your body.
As your emotions are released, you will find that different feelings quickly come and go. Even the most painful and difficult feelings will slowly subside. Throughout the rehabilitation phase, you may hear, read or see something that triggers a strong, unpleasant feeling. But if you allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, it will not last, slowly but surely you will feel the pain letting go and it will become easier to live with.
And I repeat... Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself🙏 how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment. It’s okay to be angry, to yell it out loud, to cry or not to cry. It’s also okay to laugh, to find moments of joy, and to let go when you’re ready!!!.
My experience is that doing things I enjoy, replacing my sad feelings with thoughts and things that make me think and do positive things, is of great help in my process.
Whatever condition you’re facing, it doesn’t have to define who you are as a person. By trying to engage in some of the activities that gave you meaning, purpose, and joy in your life before, you can affirm that these are the things that define you as an individual, not your illness, injury, or chronic health condition.
Yes, I know. We’re all different, so we all have different ways of experiencing meaning and joy. And if your health condition means that you can no longer engage in some or any of the activities you once enjoyed, you can still find other activities that nourish and enrich your spirit. You just have to try.
Here is a few suggestions:
When I feel blue, which I do from time to time, I tend to find my
bike and heading for the mountains, replacing the sadness with joy, letting me feel blue, maybe cry a bit, embracing the memories of my losses for a short while. When I'm back home, my sadness has been replaced with happy thoughts, letting memories be memories, embracing the life that lies ahead of me, it actually looks pretty nice.
And other times I call a friend, visit someone, or just take a trip to the mall for a little window shopping, sometimes I don't need to talk, I just need to be present and a hug from someone who loves and respects me for who I am.
I have learned to allow me to feel blue, not to be ashamed about my feelings, I'm been much better in controlling being blue, and not let it control me.
What do you do?, where is your happy place?, where do you go to let yourself feel blue? We all need to find a way, a place, to both let ourselves feel blue, to let ourselves embrace our blue feelings, where we can replace them with joy and happiness, either alone or together from time to time.
I have learned to live with my grief, I have accepted that it is there, and will probably be there as
a companion for a long time. It comes and goes in waves, some big and some small. The ocean is never calm, and that is okay. I am learning to ride the waves, learning that it is okay to cry. We all have memories in our lives, good and bad, but it is up to us to decide which ones we let define who we are, who we want to be, and how we want to move forward togehter with them.
Don't suppress your feelings, don't ignore them, don't hide them, they are you and you are them, remember that those who truly love you want the whole package. Not just a part, they want you, they love you for who you are. With all your baggage...❤️
I have gone through major life changes. I choose to be open about my experiences and share my story, in the hope that it might inspire and help others. I am a positive person who values a healthy lifestyle, positive thinking, and looking ahead—leaving the past behind while viewing previous experiences as valuable lessons and good memories.
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