It is time to set a new course

Introduction

Summer is almost over and we are heading towards autumn. For many it is back to work, school, education, for me it is not that anymore, but yes new opportunities are there for me too, starting in the mentor program of the Sunnaas Foundation, something that I am looking forward to.

But even though I'm going to the mentoring program soon, it's still a little hard to accept that my working life is over.

The sadness is very present at this time of year when you hear others looking forward to returning to their workplaces, sharing with colleagues about what they experienced during the summer, it is the social environment in a workplace that I miss the most.

To be among people, to share, listen, laugh with others, feel the vibrant life...

I miss

I miss is being part of the work environment, being a part of something, the feeling of being needed, meant something, having a value.

And the strange thing is that these are things I took for granted before life took an unexpected turn, things I never thought about before.

I used to travel a lot for my job, all over the world, and from time to time I hate staying in hotels, waiting in airports, eating in restaurants..., today when it's gone I really miss it, not all of it, but just once. Just a little trip to India, just one more time, one more little trip, the sterile air on the plane, the arrival at the airport at night, the drive through the dark and silent city to the hotel, a few hours of sleep, up to the smell of exotic warm air, down to a good hotel breakfast, meeting new people, seeing new things, learning new cultures..., yes I miss it today.

I know we all want to retire from work sooner or later, it's a part of life, but I wasn't prepared, I wasn't given the choice.

For me, it happened overnight. I never got the chance to say goodbye and thank my colleagues, slowly but surely settle down, prepare my mind for retirement.

One day it was all there, the next day it was all gone. A split second changed everything.

I miss my colleagues.

I learn

I had to learn to accept it and move on, in many ways I have, but the grief is there and will probably stay there for a while.

I have learned that grief is a normal thing to experience when life suddenly take an unexpected turn, that grief is coming in many different ways.

That I shouldn't suppress it, that I don't need to hide it, that it's nothing to be ashamed of, that it's only human to show your feelings.

Today I wear my scars, my feelings with pride, there are a big part of who I have become.

But I also choose not to let the shadows and pain from what has happened rule the rest of my life, prevent me from seeing the beauty of the life before me, but rather carry it with me as a memory of what I have learned from it.

To remind myself to be proud of what I've overcome, to whom I have become.

Racing down the highway

When life is racing down the highway at full speed on cruise control, when you're in the driver's seat with full control, believe me, suddenly stopping it and being forced to change course in a split second is not easy.

It's a bit like a huge tanker at full speed, it takes a hell of long time to stop it, turn it and change course.

I definitely stop it 😳, It's the turnaround that takes time.

Today I feel like I'm close to completing the turn and starting to be ready to set a new course. accepting the sadness over seeing the rest of the convoy continue on the course I was on before, seeing new ships appear in the horizon, hoping that I can join them for next part of my journey.

The ancient Greeks

The ancient Greeks saw pain as an emotion that is connected to who we are. They were right to a certain extent, pain originates in the brain.

One brain can feel too much pain, while another feels nothing. Instead of seeing it as something to overcome, healing requires that we acknowledge our pain.

Grief and pain are closely linked, and in order for me to change course, I had to acknowledge both

I honestly can't say I've figured it out yet. But I feel like I'm closer than I've ever been. Most of the time I feel like I'm swinging smoothly in a new direction, and I'm happy with the new horizon that's opening up before me.

But still there are moments when the lane control trying to get me back on the old path, these are the times when I really need to fight the steering wheel and force it over to the new lane, thats ok now, I am stronger.

I let myself

I've learned that it's okay to let myself feel the pain from time to time as long as I can control it. I use these moments to remind myself of what I've accomplished, to be proud of myself, to celebrate what I've overcome.

It has been small steps to get to where I am today, and sometimes even a few steps back, but I am learning that as long as I keep moving, small or big steps, mostly forward, I will get there one day.

I have learned patience, yes patience, a thing that never ever was a strong part of who I were before.

I have become more tolerant. Forgiving and humble, I am no longer as stubborn as I used to be, I see things differently, something is not as important as it used to be, I see the beauty in life, rather than the darkness, and choose my battles more carefully.

As usual, I always open my door to anyone who knocks and let them in, but I don't invite everyone anymore. I'm more careful about who I invite. I prioritize people who bring energy and positivity over those who steel energy and bring darkness.

That doesn't mean I won't be here if you need my shoulders to cry on, or if you just need someone to listen. And I will help you if you need me. But dont steal my energy with darkness.

Changing course

Changing course is a lonely journey, and I had to dig deep, to really see who I want to be, learn about myself anew. It's been a crazy journey, sometimes fun, sometimes educational, sometimes painful, there have been ups and downs, pain and sorrow, tears and laughter.

Even though it's a lonely journey now, I believe new company will pups up along the new course. New things, new people, new opportunities.

What I leave behind are memories from the past, some good, some bad. I take with me educational experiences. Knowing that I am stronger than ever.

I think the biggest lesson is to let go of what is no longer meant to be in your life. This applies to both things and people, accept the changes even when they feel wrong and painful.

I'm learning that it's okay to go your separate ways and let things go, it's better that way, and you keep good memories from the past, rather than holding on and living in pain.

And to let yourself grieve, don't hide your pain, don't be ashamed, be open, wear your scars and pain with pride, accept that that's who you are, I'm different and I don't care.

Today I am well on a new path, "still fighting against the lane control, which from time to time tries to drag me back to the old path", towards a new amazing future. I have to say it's starting to feel quite ok now.

As I said earlier, it takes time to change course on a huge old tanker, but at least I'm turning now😁.

I'll leave you with this

Where will the new course take me?

I don't know, do I want to know? Probably not, do I care? Not really, why?

Because I believe that what lies ahead of me is light, and if I face the darkness again, I will just walk through it because I know there is light on the other side.

I am stronger today than I have ever been, because I have been in the darkness and managed to come back to the light.

You can do it too, just believe in yourself, don't be ashamed, don't hide it, believe me, the world is a better place with you in it.

Remember that diversity is what makes the world colorful and amazing, embrace it in all its glory.

Thx for reading, please leave your comment if you feel for it, I wish a dialog not a monologue, with love Jørn❤️