Identity, how to discover who you are

 Identity. Who am I?

Who am I..., strange question or..., its a kind of philosophical question that probably pops up in must of peoples life some times, but how do you answer it? It involves thinking about your own identity and its meaning.

For me it's have been a question I have try to answer since my injury, to find back my identity, to understand who I am, who I was, and not least how do I lost my identity?... Or have I actually lost it?

Today I know that this is a question many people ask themselves after a brain injury, including myself, when life is suddenly turned upside down and much of what shapes your identity changes or even disappears. When you look at yourself in the mirror and only see a bunch of broken pieces scattered across the mirror like a big puzzle. You try to put it together, but realize that some elements are missing, or does not fit together anymore.

My identity was closely tied to what I did. I was a tech geek. I didn't start my working life as a tech geek, mainly because I was born 15 years too early😂. But I bought my first home computer back in 1984, and 10 years later I woke up one morning in an IT department writing code... and as they say, the rest is history. Yes, I know that's the short version. But I would say it's pretty accurate.

When my head could no longer find the knowledge I had before, to be able to write code and design complex IT solutions, much of who I was also disappeared, and even simple daily things became very complicated and from being a kind of Duracell-rabbit with all the energy in the world plus a little extra in reserve, to having an energy level that corresponded to a burnt out Biltema battery did not help in understanding who I was either. There was a lot of shame, frustration, anger and despair at that time.

Slowly but surely, I withdraw from my social life, from extrovert to introvert, my personality changed. My role and affiliation with family, work, friends and knowledge change, My values ​​and my beliefs about most things become unclear.

So yeah, I started asking, who am I? What is my identity, and how do I find it, how do I define me, who am I? How to puzzle all the broken pieces together again, and will they all be there or is some gone forever?

Who are you? How can you find out? Is that something you've ever considered?

How has it gone for me?

How has it gone for me? that's a good question. I think I'm on a kind of version 2.034, work in progress, still bug fixing, but Im om my way, well on my way. So how do I get here?

We have to go back a couple of years to version 1.852... something, stopped working. I still remember the day I looked at myself in the mirror and didn't recognize, didn't understand what I was seeing. A broken mirror of myself scattered everywhere.

After a while, I started asking questions, exploring who I've been. I think it's important to know where you come from to figure out where you want to go, but when a lot of your history is a bit blurry, it's pretty hard to learn from that history.

Because of my "history" in IT, I compare my brain to a hard drive. After my injury, it was pretty damaged, some sectors were deleted, some were corrupted, some sectors were ok, and some were partially working. And like any good IT developer, I hit the restart button and tried to fix the problems that way... it somehow got me going, but it didn't solve the problems.

And I try to do that a couple of times, before I realize that it doesn't make sense to try to recreate the old version. So I skip the old one and decided to build a new version, considering that trying to restore all the old information was too expensive and probably not possible. Accept that only part of the history and knowledge is carried over into the new version. 

From that point I started designing the new version, version 2.0 in a beta version. Going from restoring how I was, to define who I am.

So how did I define my identity?

The first thing I did was figure out some of the steps I needed to take in the process of redesigning my identity, a kind of blueprint of me version 2.0.

Here are some key elements/ questions I used, trying defining my identity, and I know when exposed to a serious injury, accident and or illness it is quite normal for some or all of these elements to be challenged and thus make you start asking yourself who am I?, what is my identity?

Elements to define your identity:

• Self-image: How you describe yourself. (In a few words, characteristics)
• Personality: Your unique way of thinking, feeling, and acting.
• Roles and affiliations: Relationships with family, friends, education, work, gender, sexual orientation, and culture.
• Life stories: The way you interpret and tell the story of your own life.
• Values ​​and beliefs: What is important to you, your outlook on life.

Easy? No, it's not easy. It's a long process with ups and downs. But thats my journey to find out why, how and who I was, who I am now, who I want to be. My version 2.0. And I think it will be a better version, but due to my IT background, where we always say that an upgrade only brings new and positive features🤔 ... ok yes, there will be some minor "bugs" that need to be fixed along the way😂. And that probably applies to me too😇.

Exploring who you are?

So after taking these steps, the next phase in designing my new blueprint was to explore myself, explore who I was right now. After defragmenting my hard drive, I try to understand what had been recovered, what could be reused, and accept what had been deleted. In short, explore who I was and what features were still usable!

These are the steps I use in that process:

• Look inward: Ask yourself questions about your strengths, weaknesses, interests, and what gives meaning to your life now.
• Reflect on your history: Think about important events in your life and how they have shaped you, at least the ones you still remember.
• Observe interactions: Think about how you react and behave in different social situations. And don't compare to how it was before, focus on how it is now.
• Be curious: Explore new experiences, new things, new tasks and be open to the development of your identity over time. Open and patient.
• Accept and let go: Accept that there are things that have changed, that there are things that are gone. Let go of what is not there and what cannot be changed, focus on what you can do something about. Things that actually matter.

Did I find my identity?

While defragmenting my hard drive, I realize that some files are slowly but surely being recovered, some partially, some were permanently corrupted but somehow used in a different way, and some were permanently deleted, but from the ashes a new version emerged. A little different, but still the same. If you ask me, I would say that all the bad was erased, and only the good stuff remains and has enhance. But I'm probably not entitled to answer that😂.

Okay, kidding aside, seriously, in my process over the last few years of wondering who I had become, who I am and who I want to be, I today, feel like I've changed into a kind of better version of myself. I know for sure, I've learned to be much more humble. When you suddenly lose things overnight that you used to take for granted, at least I became humble about what I have, about life, and still be alive.

Yeah, I found it somehow.

Okay, let me try to explain it, explain what I found when I put some effort on exploring myself.

Today I want to give back what I have received. I accepting that I'm over the top, my time in the spotlight is over, now I want to help others shine. My temperament has changed, I am so much more calmer today than I used to be. This fact that I am not so sure is necessarily an exclusively positive thing🤔. My temperament has been a big part of what drove me forward before, I know that I have lost that drive today, at least some of it.

I have learned new skills, new things, I have explored and discovered new sides of myself, new feelings, new roles, built new relationships, new friends, I am writing a new chapter in my life story. Reinterpreting my life, my values ​​and beliefs is changing. My new identity is shaping..., and I a kind of like it, I like that feeling that I is in the start of a new begining, a blank canvas, and its up to me to paint it in the way I want it to looks, been there done that before, yes we all have, we where born, but this time I partely have a history to help me to shape who I want to be. I just need to learn how.

I'm learning to fly a drone, creating films of the amazing Norwegian nature from my bike rides, both from a drone perspective and from my GoPro camera, learning film and photo editing, some of which are new skills, some of which are partly improving old skills. Learning to be a YouTuber building up my YouTube channel.

Yes, I'm back on a bike. It's a kind of relearning and/or improving my old skills. Going from a "regular" bike to an electric bike was a big change in who I was. Cycling has been and still is a big part of who I am, now in a different form, but still there.

And I started writing My Story Till Now, for someone who has struggled with dyslexia all my life. It was a big change, and it's also a bit of a strange story. As I mentioned, I have dyslexia, which is usually a big obstacle to writing. And it was..., before. People who know me from before my injury would say that writing was probably one of my weakest points. And the first stories I wrote were in Norwegian, were short, and there had no flows. I struggled to find the right words to formulate my thoughts.

Here is the fun part. After I talked to a speech therapist at Sunnaas, I suddenly understand that my native language has changed. My primary language has changed to English, yes, they told me that this is not the first time they have seen that phenomenon. (By the way my native language is... was... Norwegian/ Danish)

After that I started writing in English, it suddenly dawned on me, when I wrote and thought in English the words just came from nowhere, my writing suddenly just flow as a river and almost without typos!. And with the help from my speech therapist I have discovered that when I use English, my dyslexia is more or less absent??? It's still there but only in my "native language" My brain works in a mysterious way😂. But again a hugh change in who I was and who I am becoming.

I have received a lot of amazing help from Sunnaas Hospital and the Sunnaas Foundation🫶, in my process back. By being on Sunnaas Hospital and being on camps with Sunnaas Foundation, I found a kind of new role that I want to pursue, I want to be a mentor, to be able to give back what I have received.

So I see how my values and believes has changed, and I'm feeling my identity is shaping, my life story continue to write its self and all of these things, all of this is a new version me version 2.0 but i stills contains a lot of version 1.0 but I belive its heavy upgrade.

I'm on my way, I'm not who I was, but I'm still me, my wing broke, it will never heal completely, I'm learning to fly now, again. Shaping of my new identity is an ongoing process, or is it a “new”? No, I would say it’s still the same “old,” but it’s a kind a enhance version, just as it should be. It’s an ongoing part of life to developer you identity, it never stops..., and..., I would say that you never actually lose your identity, it may be blurry from time to time, then just stop, evaluate and adjust, but I believe that the core of your identity always remains, it just matures over time.

So again, what is my identity now?

Your identity is who you are, when it suddenly seems blurry, your world is turned upside down, you start to question everything, it feels unfair when the one you thought you knew best of all is scattered everywhere, when your reflection of yourself is shattered and you can't find all the pieces to put it back together as it was. I know

But in a way, our identity changes throughout our lives, and sometimes we stop and voluntarily question who we are in different ways, from faith, gender, sexual orientation, friends, education, culture to belonging. It is a natural part of our development throughout life.

If you had asked me how I felt about this topic a while ago, I would have said it was a big problem. I didn't know who I was. Today I would still say that this topic was a big problem at one time, probably one of the biggest challenges, not just a challenge it was a problem, after my injury. I know now, that it has probably also been the best challenge I have ever had.

Why am I suddenly turning 180 degrees around on that question? Today I see it differently, probably because of how my identity has changed. Today I believe that I was forced to stop and evaluate my life, my identity, roles, relationships, values, and beliefs, for a higher reason, and I accept that. At the time it happened, it felt so bad, so unfair. Why me, why now? But then again, everything in life happens for a reason, both bad and good things. My time was up, and I needed to start over.

I have now realized who I really want to be. It's a bit like if I had been asked this question many years ago: "If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you go?" The answer would probably have been "the moon". Today the answer will be: "nowhere, I want to be present right here, right now". I know who I am and I no longer wish to be anyone else.

For me..., The mirror is still broken, the hard drive is still fragmented, some parts are missing, both from the mirror and the hard drive, and that's okay now, I can live with that, it's not about perfection anymore, it's about loving and accepting what I see. It's about peace with myself. The search is over.------ Or is it? Maybe it's just begun. No, I Don't think so, searching for your identity is a lifelong journey, and it's not really a search, it's a learning. And as I always say, the moment you say you're are finish with you learnings, you're not graduated, but probably finished with life...

I have searched for a long time for who I am, where I belong, and believe me, I have searched everywhere. But there is a thin line between searching and running. After all the searching, this is what I have learned, my identity is mine, it is about being happy and accepting being myself, it does not have to be complicated. As Marilyn Monroe said: “To be someone else is to throw away the person you are.” I am who I am, I am me, this is my identity. I belive in me.

Finally thought, and did I really find a new identity?

So the short answer is no, I didn't find a new identity, I'm rediscovering my old identity. Yes, it has changed, some elements have been enchance, some have been replaced, some have been adjusted and some have been deleted. So yes, I'm not who I was, but I'm still me.

But I realize I've told you a lot about what makes up my identity without mentioning anything specific that can be nailed down, and maybe that's just the way I am. I believe that no one can tell you who you are, no one can teach you your identity, your identity is something only you can shape, it's about your self-image, your personality, your roles and affiliations, your values ​​and your beliefs, your and only your life story, and only you can write it.

So short. You are the sum of who you think you are, who others think you are, and how you act and live your life. It is an ongoing exploration, not a final answer.

This is all personal to you, and only you can figure it out. There is no right or wrong way to do it, there is only your way. So go out and explore yourself and your abilities, and your identity will be shaped by the path you take.

Remember. You can't control what others think and feel about you, you can only control how you choose to react to it.

My only advice. Don't let anyone tell you who you are, don't let what others think or say about you define your identity, yes listen, evaluate and adjust... if you feel there is something right in what you hear, that is helpful and reflects who you are. I have learned that I am me, and I kind of like who I am, and yes, some agree, and some don't. I am not here to please and serve others, and I have to live my life in a way where I am at peace with myself. Only then am I useful to me and others, can help, support and encourage others, lift others up so I lift myself.

I hope you found this somewhat interesting, and that you can perhaps see something of yourself in this. It helps you to know who you are. Defining your own identity..., on your terms.

Thx for being here, take care, with love🫶❤️, Jørn